My name is Josh and I’m a writer living in Denver. Drop me a line at ! Or don’t!

The Morning News Annual 2008

The Morning News is offering up its first print anthology, and allegedly it includes my 2:42 piece. So if you want to read it on paper and don’t feel like printing it out yourself, or if you want to read some good writing by other people who are not me, well, I’m not going to stop you. It’s a free country.

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Wiretap Follies

In January 2007, I went into a bar and tried out my new pickup line: “Pretty mama, I’m gonna assassinate that bush tonight.” The government tapped my phone for a year. These are the transcripts.

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Wired, August 2008, p. 112: “How to Twitter”

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Two Minutes and 42 Seconds in Heaven

An article for The Morning News about the ideal length for a pop song.

“I am a very busy and important man. I don’t need to tell you this. The shit I have to deal with every day would make your pubes turn white. Check it: While dictating that last sentence I did something complicated in Excel and pleasured my ex-wife the way that makes her cry and call her mother. OK?”

This story was linked up by The New York Times, NPR, Time Out Chicago, Comedy Central, Jason Kottke, Boing Boing, Idolator, Warren Ellis, Matador Records, and others, and reprinted in butchered form in the New York Post.

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Gawker: Twelve People Actually Worth Following on Twitter

Name: Joshua Green Allen

Best: “How much do you have to pay a cop to forget he saw a bloodstained Tickle Me Elmo stuffed with opium? Wikipedia is like zero help over here.”

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Apologies in Advance to Mr. Hamilton

A guest post on Dooce.com while the proprietor was away on vacation.

J: You must promise to give back the locket I gave you that very special evening at Chili’s Too in American Fork.

H: Right. The ... locket.

J: [sighs] In the shape of a chicken, your second favorite animal? Because I couldn’t find one in the shape of a “Sleestak,” whatever that is? And inside is my prom photo with the girl’s face cut out?

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Coudal Partners’ Layer Tennis Commentary

Provided live commentary on a design match between Jason Gnewikow and Matt Owens. Probably the most stressful writing job I’ve ever had.

“Dudes, who here loves getting their Civil War re-enactments on? Show of hands. Don’t even be shy about how you like to slowly buckle your cavalry saber and almost erotically apply your huge fake mustache and then head on down to the parking lot behind Applebee’s to rain some Antietam down on goddamn Mitch from Sales.”

“One of the best writers on the internet ever.” / Maura Johnston, Idolator

“Still the best in the biz, that guy.” / Kevin Fanning, whygodwhy

“Joshua Allen is joking—I think.” / Carrie Brownstein, Sleater-Kinney

“One of the most profound Twitter feeds on the internet.” / Dooce

“The first couple of weeks I was reading Josh Allen I thought he was black. I remember being kind of disappointed when I found out he was just another white man on the Internet.” / Distorte

“Once in a while we have to go back and read this, the greatest blog post of all time.” / Coudal Partners

“Author of the late, lamented, hilarious, and beautiful The House of Wigs.” / Daring Fireball

“Mr Allen has long been one of the most interesting independent writers on the web, and he’s a pretty swell designer to boot.” / Jeffrey Zeldman

“Every version of Fireland is more beautiful than the last. Oh, and the words are good, too.” / Derek Powazek

“Fireland is beyond trends, for that would imply Fireland is subject to the circumscriptions of time. Fireland is the best website ever made by a Josh, and the Josh in question is marriedsville now so he’ll probably write about gas grills and universal remotes and joint custody instead of people choking the shit out of each other with their words while Jesus watches.” / Nick Taylor, Eponym

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